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Despite academics taking the foreground in college, your mental health is just as complicated and important. Mental health pertains to your emotional wellbeing and how you feel. Back in chapter 5, I pointed out that it’s possible to override your unsupervised brain and choose to stop feeling a certain way. Of course, that’s easier said than done so I’ll go over a few more strategies on combating internal self-destruction. Beyond internal conflict, I’ll also cover how external social and romantic interactions with other people affect your mental health as well.
As with our survey of academics, we’ll start with the primary factor within your control: what you think of obstacles and failure. People often have illogical negative thoughts:
I’m confident everyone has these thoughts now and then. You probably had these experiences:
And yet, you’re still alive, healthy, and have a bright future ahead of you. There was no reason to feel such negative emotions.
When you understand that most negative emotions are illogical, you break free of their heavy burden and regain control of your mind. Nobody remembers that stupid question you asked in class. Nobody cares that you’re bad at ultimate frisbee, poker, printmaking, or whatever activity you failed at. Nobody cares that one person you asked on a date turned you down. The only person who remembers is you, so don’t waste your energy reliving those episodes.
If you fail an exam, there’s no point stressing because you feel “dumb” compared to all the people who passed. Instead, be concerned about the impact it has on your final grade and your progress towards your degree. Understand what went wrong and take appropriate steps to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
If you’re in a group setting playing recreational soccer and you keep losing the ball to the other team, there’s no point stressing because you feel “incompetent” compared to all the other players. Instead, focus on having fun and getting exercise. If someone does say nasty things about your playing, then they’re an asshole; brush the comment aside. It makes no sense to complain about someone performing poorly in a non-competitive, recreational setting. If it keeps getting to your head, find another group.
If you ask someone on a date and they reject your advances, there’s no point stressing out or feeling worthless. If someone out there doesn’t like you that much, then don’t dedicate all your mental energy either. The world isn’t over and you’ll find someone better.
Most negative emotions serve no purpose and are simply a leftover artifact of evolution. Back in the “caveman” days, survival was much harder. If you failed to hunt food, you starved to death. If you weren’t accepted by your peers, you got cast out and quickly died alone. If you got rejected by a few women, there might not be anyone else in the community to reproduce with. The “cave people” who spent so much time stressing and finding ways to avoid failure tended to survive. In a stable modern society, we don’t have so many life-or-death situations and those negative emotions don’t matter anymore. Enjoy yourself and ditch the useless negative thoughts.
Replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. Many people don’t take time to pause and think about how fortunate they are. You’re attending college and some people don’t get that luxury. You have a roof over your head and some people don’t have shelter. You’re alive whereas some people’s lives were unexpectedly cut short. Spend time once per day or week and write down one thing you’re grateful for. When you stop thinking about how hard life has been and start thinking about how great it has been, you grow into a healthy, productive mindset.
Eliminating unproductive negativity and creating productive positive thoughts is the starting point. After you set up your inner self to succeed, it’s time to focus on your external interactions. Positive and meaningful interactions with other people are essential to your mental wellbeing.
Everyone needs a social life as part of a balanced mental wellness diet, so it is important to make friends. In college, you’ll have countless opportunities to meet new people and expand your social network.
You can meet people through courses, extracurricular activities and around the dormitory if you live in one. For some, growing a friend circle comes naturally, but others might be reluctant to go out and meet people. If you fall into the latter introverted category, ensure you push yourself outside your comfort zone. The first few weeks of each school year is the best time to get out there and meet others because everyone else will be in the same mindset. Don’t miss this opportunity because once it’s over, you may find it uncomfortable to approach other people who have already formed friend circles.
Here are some ideas for meeting people:
Clubs and societies. Find a student organization for an activity you’re passionate about. It could be gaming, sports, academics, cooking, films — anything. You’ll meet people with similar interests or backgrounds and it’ll be easy to strike up conversations.
Study groups. Join a study group for a class you’re taking. You’ll meet people and have the coursework in common to talk about. Chances are, as the studying goes on into the afternoon or evening, people will go somewhere to take a break, whether it be grabbing a drink from a coffee shop, going for a walk, or some other activity. You can tag along as the interaction develops into more of a social setting.
Dormitory activities. I highly recommend you live in the dormitory for at least one year because the staff usually puts together programming for the residents. This could be a trivia night, team-building exercises, or something else fun. Attend these events because the facilitator will ensure everyone feels welcome and meets others.
Dining. Consider sitting down with a random, small group of people in the dining hall, or someone else you see eating alone. Most people won’t mind you joining and it’s a short commitment. If you don’t click with them, then finish your food, thank them for letting you eat with them, and leave. If you do click with them, then consider adding each other on social media or exchanging phone numbers. Look for them again the next time you’re in the dining hall.
It’s easy to meet people and make friends so long as you put yourself out there. Nobody will try to make a fool of you, or mess with you for trying to talk to them. The worst that can happen is some people don’t like you and that’s okay. You might feel bad temporarily, but reign in your unsupervised brain and remember that there are no negative consequences. Failure is fine, and as you keep trying, eventually you’ll succeed and meet some interesting people and potential long-term friends.
The people you spend time with have an enormous impact on your mood and mental wellbeing, so it’s also important to choose your friends wisely. Avoid people who make you feel stressed or drained; emotional vampires leech the life out of you. Avoid people who make poor judgement calls: skipping class all the time, playing video games all day, staying up all night, drinking all day long, and so on. You don’t want them to hook you on their bad habits too. Finally, limit your social media interactions. Not only are the apps distracting, but seeing all the fake, picture-perfect lives out there draws out your insecurities.
People often act like the people they’re around, so choose to be around responsible individuals with qualities you admire. Would your parents approve of your friend’s behavior? Aim for a resounding yes.
Many people live with others in college and I strongly recommend having roommates or housemates. You’ll develop a close bond among your housemates, which improves your social life. If you want to do a particular group activity, it’s much easier to bounce the idea off housemate friends versus going outside to recruit other people. And when your housemates think of something fun, they’ll bring you into the activity as well. Living with others generally leads to more satisfying social activities.
In addition to social activities, you’ll have an opportunity to learn from other people’s desirable traits. When you’re around someone 24/7 you’ll see the things they do well and poorly. Emulate what they do well and learn to not make the same mistakes they do.
Finally, when choosing housemates, try to pick people you have already vetted. Most people are reasonable, but ending up with a poor housemate causes a lot of problems that would otherwise be avoided. If you have a housemate constantly leaving dirty dishes in the sink or dirty clothes all over the apartment, you’re going to be spending your time cleaning up after them. If you have a housemate who always comes back drunk at 4AM and wakes you up, you’re not going to be well-rested for the lectures the next day. You’re committing to a year when you get housemates, so reduce the risk of being stuck with an awful person in your home by choosing friends, acquaintances, or someone you’ve at least already met.
Beyond your routine activities, there will be large social events that you should participate in sparingly. Parties, concerts, sporting events, among other things, consume a lot of time and are unnecessary for a healthy social life. For example, you might spend an entire Saturday afternoon attending a football game and then waste the entire night going out drinking at bars. That’s an entire day wasted when you could be doing other important things. You’re not attending college to have the best social life ever; you’re attending college to grow academically. Treat yourself to some parties or sporting events now and then, but understand that they are excessive and should not be a regular part of your life.
If you are at a social event and are offered alcohol, cigarettes, or other drugs, just say no. You do not need substances for your mental health. In fact, getting addicted to them will send your mental health into a downward spiral. Substances are a crutch to help you control your emotions. For example, many people will say they need alcohol to socialize with other people at a party. Alcohol inhibits their fear of talking to unfamiliar people. In reality, you don’t need drugs to change your feelings; you can reign in your unsupervised mind on your own and override the emotions. Other times, people will use drugs and blame peer pressure. If you are pressured by your friends to consume drugs, then find different friends immediately. If you are forced, then reach out to the police. Substances are entirely unnecessary and I advise you to never touch them.
In the event that you are unable to resist the temptation, only use legal substances in moderation: a bit of alcohol or marijuana now and then. Do not touch “hard” drugs such as cocaine, crystal meth, or heroin because they are illegal for a good reason: hard drugs make you dependent on them and completely wreck your mental wellbeing. Save your life by staying away from drugs; once they latch onto your mind, it is extremely difficult to escape their grip.
If you are up for it, college is also an opportunity to pursue some romance in your life. A healthy relationship can greatly supplement your happiness. Nothing beats finding a significant other who is a perfect match for you and wants to be with you forever; however, beware the downsides of romantic relationships crumbling apart.
First and foremost, understand that a romantic relationship is nice, but not necessary for your mental wellbeing. Remember that your primary goal in college is to grow academically. Academics come first so only pursue a romantic relationship if you have the time and maturity for it.
Dating shouldn’t be your priority in college. In college, you spend evenings and weekends on studying, homework, and projects. You won’t be able to go on a weekend getaway, or stay up all night having fun with a significant other when you have coursework due the next day. It’s much easier to find time for a romantic relationship after you graduate and get a full-time job; you only have to work during normal hours so you unlock weekends and evenings to spend with your significant other. College is an inefficient time to be dating because you have to balance it with demanding coursework. Thus, only date if you truly have the extra time.
Furthermore, some people lack maturity and must avoid seeking a romantic relationship for emotional validation. If you find yourself depending on other people to feel good about yourself, then avoid starting a relationship. Do not introduce a new dependency on someone else for your happiness. You will end up maintaining your romantic relationship at all costs to support your mental wellbeing, thereby abandoning academic and physical health commitments.
Understand the time and maturity requirements for pursuing a romantic relationship. If you believe you satisfy those criteria, then go for it.
Casual dating is good for exploring in the beginning. Many people don’t know what they’re looking for, so going on casual dates is good for seeing what’s out there. An hour-long coffee or lunch date is a great way to supplement your social life and meet new people. Asking friends to set you up and using dating apps are effective ways for making initial connections. If hookups are your style, that’s also fine so long as both parties agree. There are no strings attached and either side can back out anytime without causing much pain for the other person.
Before you pursue serious romantic relationships though, acknowledge the pain that comes with breakups. You might spend months or years building a connection with someone only to have it vanish overnight. If you haven’t had many breakups before, the first few could hit you harder than you expect. Sadness, anger, helplessness or other emotions could persist for weeks or longer. Such a blow to your mental wellness can negatively impact your academics and physical health. Only pursue a serious romantic relationship in college if you are prepared and capable of handling a breakup and the emotions that come with it.
Once you’ve accepted the risks, the best way to reduce the chances of breakup and to cushion the subsequent emotional fallout is by understanding what you’re looking for in a partner and choosing your partner carefully. Once again, you can abstract a romantic relationship into a transaction: you’re looking for certain qualities in a partner and your partner is looking for certain qualities in you. Both of you must have the qualities that the other is looking for in order to have a successful relationship.
If you are looking for a serious relationship, then you are considering spending the rest of your life with someone. Make sure you know the qualities you want in your significant other. Here are some sample criteria.
Appearance. Do you care how they look? Are you picky when it comes to height or weight? Do you care if they dress stylishly or not? Does race or nationality matter to you?
Personality. Do you want someone easygoing? Or someone assertive and who takes the lead? Or someone warm and comforting?
Finances. How much money can they earn? Is their family well off or struggling? Don’t overlook this one. Lack of money can strain a relationship, so consider this aspect in light of your own economic situation.
Location. Where do they want to settle down versus you? Do they need to move to Antarctica in the near future? Or are they fine just following you around? Or do they require going somewhere with warm weather?
Religion. Is their religion compatible with yours? Will they force you to convert to their religion?
Family. Are their family members reasonable people? Or are they hateful people? Or do they not even speak your language?
Take time to think about as many qualities as you can. Determine where you can be flexible and where you cannot compromise. Noting these qualities helps outline what you require from the other party in a relationship.
In addition to understanding what you want in your partner, understand what you can offer to your partner. It helps to be transparent up front. Before you commit to a serious relationship, sit down with your potential partner and go over what qualities each person is looking for.
If you cannot reconcile something, then it’s better to stop the relationship early on. For example, if your potential partner is firm on moving to a foreign country after graduation and you don’t even speak the language there, then it’s probably not going to work out. Don’t build up a serious relationship if you know there is no foundation to support it.
If everything checks out, then you know your foundation is stable and it makes sense for the two of you to commit to a serious relationship.
Unexpected dealbreakers can still occur after you’ve done all the vetting up front. Maybe you can no longer compromise on a quality or your partner missed a negative quality in you. You and your partner should try to talk things through calmly without getting emotionally worked up. Confirm that there are no misunderstandings and that your differences are truly irreconcilable. If that is the case, then the relationship ends because one side is no longer willing to continue.
If your partner ended the relationship and you wanted it to continue, then you will have to deal with the emotional fallout. Take time to grieve, but understand that it doesn’t get you closer to any of your goals. Try your best to reign in your unsupervised mind and choose to feel a different emotion, whether it be determination to keep trying or freedom to continue exploring and searching for someone new. Try to understand what went wrong and how you can avoid making the same mistake again. At the end of the day, failure is not the end of the world so face the future with a positive outlook.
Finally, let’s emphasize a couple important reminders from your high school health class. One, if someone doesn’t want to have sex with you or doesn’t want you to touch them, then don’t continue. You’ll get expelled, go to jail for rape or sexual assault, and/or have felonies on your record that ruin your future. Two, if you have sex, then use protection and make sure both you and the other party have been tested for sexually-transmitted diseases. Avoid an untimely pregnancy and STDs in the middle of everything going on in college. Remain rational and don’t do stuff you’ll regret later on.
Internally, mental wellness begins via understanding your emotions. Negative thoughts rarely contribute to anything productive and simply hold you down. Nobody can suppress negative feelings all the time, but make sure you are the one actively choosing to feel that way, and not your unsupervised mind running wild. Focus on positive thoughts for a productive and healthy mindset.
Externally, everyone needs social interactions and friends, so go out, meet new people, and expand your social circle. At the same time, ensure that the people you let into your social circle are healthy to be around. Avoid toxic people because they damage your mental wellbeing. Furthermore, minimize your participation in parties, concerts, and other massive, lengthy social events. Keep debauchery to a minimum, and do not use drugs. None of these activities are requirements for stable mental health and they usually have negative side effects.
Finally, if you want to go further and pursue a romantic relationship, then ensure you have the time and maturity for the relationship to flourish. Know what you want, know what the other person wants, and understand the potential emotional damage a breakup can cause.
At the end of the day, your focus in college is on growing academically; you aren’t paying tuition and spending four years in college for the most enjoyable social experience ever. Do what is necessary to maintain your mental wellbeing and don’t go overboard. Use logic and rationality as a chaperone to avoid anything dangerous or extreme. Maintain your mental health to a reasonable degree and dedicate the majority of your focus to your computer science degree.